* Love and marriage *
* Go together like A horse and carriage *
* This I tell ya, brother *
* You can't have one *
* Without the other *
* Love and marriage *
* It's an institute You can't disparage *
* Ask the local gentry *
* And they say it's elementary *
* Try, try, try To separate them *
* It's an illusion *
* Try, try, try *
* And you will only come To this conclusion *
* Love and marriage **
Now, Mom, just because the kids don't write
doesn't mean they don't love you.
Oh. They told you they didn't love you?
Well, they didn't mean it.
You know our kids.
I'm sure if you sent them some money,
they'd love you.
No, I couldn't watch You Be The Judge today.
They put this new streetlight up
in front of the house,
and I was watching the men work with their shirts off.
Oh, of course I took pictures.
Yeah, the new crime light is real nice.
Everyone in the neighborhood is real happy about it.
I hate those new crime lights.
They make everything look yellow.
This neighborhood's ugly enough during the day
without having to look at it at night.
I can't comment on that right now, Mom.
Al just alked-way in the or-day.
Pig Latin, Peg.
Must be your mother.
Tell her I said "oink."
What are all these envelopes on the table, Peg?
Is this supper?
It's a bill for that crime light.
A $50 assessment.
Peg, they're charging me 50 bucks.
Gee, I wish I had someone to pay my bills so I could go...
"Oh, gee, look, dear, the new telephone bill came.
"Let's see...
Well, there's some big, fat bills from Milwaukee."
Know anybody big and fat from Milwaukee, Peg?
Hold on, Mom.
That's right, your mother.
Did she call collect again?
No, Al, I called her.
Smart shopping.
Tell her I want to talk to her.
Mom, Al has something he wants to say to you.
You're making too many calls, Peg.
Now, look at this bill.
Milwaukee, Milwaukee, Milwaukee...
I'll bet this whole thing comes to...
$253!
Family meeting!
The whole family!
KELLY: I'm on the phone, Dad!
I said, family meeting.
Family...
Coven...
I thought we agreed to cut down our calls.
I only made necessary calls.
Me too.
Who made these toll calls at two bucks a pop?
10 times in a row here.
Who called 555-STUD?
Oh, Mom!
Who called DIAL-A-PRAYER?
I did, Dad.
But don't pay. Kelly's still here.
Let's see what else we have here.
Uh... sports hotline, sports hotline, sports hotline.
Those are okay.
Wait a second. Wait.
Vancouver? $80?
Kelly!
Sure, all eyes turn to me.
Let me ask you this.
If I did know somebody in Vancouver,
don't you think I'd be living with them and not here?
True enough. Bud?
America first, Dad.
How about it, Peg?
Your mother gotten so fat,
she's spread across the border?
Al, I did not call Vancouver,
and Mom is down to nearly 200.
So nobody called Vancouver?
Okay, it's a mistake.
I'm not paying for mistakes.
I've been doing that since the day I got married.
All right, I'll call the phone company.
What's the phone company number?
Dial information.
See, that's just what I'm talking about.
This is a perfect example of how to save.
We want a phone number, we use the phone book.
I was going to burn that for heat, Al.
Oh, I'd like to burn something...
"We find no error."
I'm on hold for 45 minutes,
listening to muzak version of "Muskrat Love,"
and they can find no error.
Now that the kids are gone,
I ask you one more time,
did you make that call to Vancouver?
Al, that call was made at 9:00 in the morning.
Now, you know very well
that that is when I go back to sleep
after you've gone to work.
I'm sorry.
I can't believe they're going to
make me pay for this, Peg.
Why don't you become a game show host?
Contestant comes out and says, "I win $10,000,"
you shrug, I come out and pay him,
the game's over.
We'll call the show "That Idiot Al."
Honey, I'm sure it'll work out
one way or another. Now, just go to sleep.
Oh, I'm sure it will work out.
I pay for a light I didn't want,
I pay for a phone call I didn't make,
for a house, a dog, kids, cat...
Al, you know,
there's still some things we could do for free.
You know, like, dust off Mr. Van Winkle
and bring him over for a visit.
Sex, Al.
Great. The one thing I would pay for.
Me too. Good night, Al.
Honey, would you be still?
I'm trying desperately
to pretend you're someone else.
Settle down, Al, and go to sleep.
Yech!
Where the hell is that light coming from?
It's the new crime light, Al,
shining on an appropriate place--
your feet.
This just gets better and better.
$50 to have a light shine in my face!
This is great.
I'm a victim, that's what I am.
City charges me $50 to shine a light in my face,
nothing I can do about it.
Phone company charges me $80 for a phone call I never made,
nothing I can do about it.
Well, from now on,
Al Bundy is going to do something about it.
Tomorrow, I'm going to get that Vancouver phone call
taken off my bill
and I'm going to go down
and have the city move that stupid light.
From now on,
Al Bundy is going to live with a little bit of dignity.
Ok, Marilyn. You ready?
There, that should take care of Bud if he's listening.
Now, who's pregnant?
Hi, Mom.
Hi, honey.
What?
What you been doing?
What?
Bud, you've been listening in on Kelly's call, haven't you?
Remember what I told you about that?
Yeah, you said, "Be careful, she's got a whistle now."
That's better.
Where's Dad?
He went down
to the phone company this morning.
Uh-oh.
Don't worry about it.
Your father does a lot of dumb things,
but even he knows
you can't fight the phone company.
Hello?
Mom, the phone just went dead.
Well, you're looking at a hero.
The phone company
doesn't care about just one man,
but if all of us stand together,
we can bring these bureaucratic morons
to their knees.
Peg, Did you tell all the neighbors to come?
I told all our friends.
And?
They're here.
Al, why don't you just break down
and pay the phone bill?
I'm not giving in.
Nobody ever died because they didn't have a telephone.
Kelly.
Would you go upstairs? You're depressing us.
Al...
Why don't you just pay for that phone call?
Excuse me.
Did I hear the trace of a Vancouvian accent, Steve?
I didn't make the call.
Why not? Were you out--
or should I say, "oot"-- at the time?
Gee, Steve.
This is a little like living with Columbo.
You know, a dirty, wrinkled man who won't give up.
Well, I'm never going to give up,
and by the way, Steve,
what was Marcie's maiden name?
It wouldn't have been "Canuck" by any chance?
Al, aren't you punishing your family enough
by living with them?
Why punish them more
over one lousy $80 phone bill?
One lousy $80 phone bill?
Oh, forgive me, O Sheik Achmed Rhoades.
Peg, where's that spare 80 I use to light my cigars?
Hi.
Oh, hi, Marcie. Gee, thanks.
First, you say,
"Oh, Steve, we'd only be insulting the buffoon
if we missed his stupid meeting,
then you don't show up.
Sorry, Steve, but I was on the phone.
You see, there's an example
of America's obsession with the telephone.
I was on the telephone taking messages for your family.
Peggy, your mother called.
And, Peggy, DIAL-A-STUD called.
They wanted to know if you were okay
and to tell you Juan is back.
Anything for me?
No.
Oh.
Hi, Mom. Hi, Dad.
[RING, RING]
Kelly, it's for you!
Thank you, thank you, thank you,
thank you, thank you.
Hello?
Gee, I love doing that.
Now, see? Bud's handling this the best way.
Good boy, Bud.
Now, I know that you're all upset at me,
and you don't really understand why I'm doing this,
but I will not roll over and die,
and I will rest easy,
because I sleep the sleep of the righteous.
Peg.
I can't sleep.
What can I do?
Well...
Since we're not using the telephone,
we could wrap the cord around your neck
and slowly tighten it till the sandman comes.
Ah, you women.
You can't forget about that maternal instinct, can you?
Good night, Al.
Peg.
Remember a long time ago
when you wanted this side of the bed?
You know, close to the window?
What was my reason for not giving it to you?
Well, let's see, it was something like,
"I work, I make the money, I deserve the air."
You know, it's funny, Peg.
It took me 15 years to realize
that you were right all the time.
See, I can't sleep knowing you'd rather be here.
Slide over, Peg.
No, Al.
We need your feet by the window.
They keep away the mosquitoes.
STEVE: Hey, Bundy! Telephone!
It's 2:00 in the morning.
What do they want?
It's Peggy's mother.
Oh, it's for you.
Oh.
Hi, Mom! What do you want?
STEVE: Your recipe for raisin bread.
Tell her to get a fresh loaf of bread,
a box of raisins, and a hammer.
All right.
I just found the answer to all our problems.
Ta-dah!
We're all going to get an allotment of dimes.
Then, when you have to make a phone call,
you come to me.
And if I feel the phone call is worthy,
I'll give you some dimes
to go down to the phone booth at the gas station.
See, once again, problem... solution.
Dad, sit down.
I worry to see you slipping away.
You know, this phone thing--
how can I say this without hurting you?
It's stupid.
I want to explain something, son.
Is this going to be long and boring?
Like the "Why did we have Kelly" speech?
No, because I know the answer to this one.
You see, the trouble
with America today, son, is this...
Nobody stands up for anything anymore.
So can we have a phone?
No.
No, but it's pretty pathetic.
See, we used to have slogans like "Don't tread on me,"
"54-40 or fight,"
"Tippecanoe and somebody too."
Then, all of a sudden,
people stopped standing up for themselves.
Now we have slogans like "Have a nice day,"
"Make love, not war."
"Hi, I'm an American. I'm sorry."
What's that got to do
with us being the only people
in the free world without a telephone?
It's got everything to do with it.
See, the point is,
if they tried to charge Thomas Jefferson
with a call he didn't make,
the Boston Harbor would've been full of phones,
and all the local women
would've been swimming around down there,
and we wouldn't have had to hang them as witches.
So, you're kind of like Thomas Jefferson?
That I am, Bud.
Then why do they call him a great man,
and they call you "butthead."
Well, if that's
a new word for "patriot," so be it.
Now, I'm going down to the corner
with a letter to the utility company
to get rid of that light.
Peg, do you want anything?
Yes, but bigamy's illegal in this state.
Alrighty.
I'll fill that baby with dimes,
and we're going to learn
you don't need a phone company to have a phone.
See you later.
Say goodbye to Daddy's dream.
Making raisin bread, Mom?
Not this time, honey.
Well, bye, Mom.
If you need me, I'll be in the streets.
Okay, but I don't think I'll need you.
And tell Daddy that I am not moving back in
until we get a phone or I get married.
Kelly, honey, there is no reason
for anyone to leave home.
We are not going to be without a phone for much longer.
I've taken matters into my own hands.
Now, kids, we need $80.
There must be something around here we can sell.
Kelly, quick. Your liver.
For a phone?
I'll do it.
Not yet, Kelly.
Since this is your father's fault,
I think we should start with his things.
I'll get his bowling ball.
I'll get his fishing rods.
And I'll get his, uh... well, that's all he's got.
Hey, what's going on here?
Dad. The women--
They were going to sell your stuff.
He makes the money, Mom.
We want a phone, Al.
I want a life.
Good luck to us all.
We're serious, Dad.
You can't beat the phone company.
I see.
So much for Bundy unity.
I'll tell you something.
This is the first time
I've ever been ashamed of my family.
You'll get used to it, Al. We did.
Well, get used to this.
We're not getting a phone
until the phone company calls and apologizes to me.
Dad, is there anything we can say
to make you change your mind,
you know, like, "We love you"?
Or would you see right through that?
I would.
Look, do you know what the worst thing is
for a fellow to grow up and hear somebody call him?
A shoe salesman.
Worse.
A quitter.
See, if I quit right now,
it would be like-- I don't know--
quitting.
So, Daddy, if we stopped trying
to make you put the phone back in,
wouldn't that make us quitters?
Go to your room!
[DOORBELL RINGS]
First thought she's ever had,
and it has to be against me.
Steve, we have a family thing going on.
What do you want?
I'm delivering another phone message for you.
Come on in.
I also have a message of my own. Al.
This is the last message
the Rhoades are taking for the Bundys.
Fine. That's the last thing we'll ever do for you too.
You don't do anything for us now, Al.
So you've already got a taste of our medicine.
What's the message?
Please, God, let it be for me.
It's for Peggy.
You lie!
It's for me!
She's been under a lot of stress lately.
Oh, my God.
Who put these bugs on my arms?
Who is it, Steve?
It's your mother.
She said to tell you she's worried about you.
She doesn't like
not being able to talk to you every day,
so she's coming to stay until you get your phone put back in.
How much time do we have?
She was packing her bags.
Great! Great! We can still stop her.
She can't get through her front door
on the first try.
Peg, quick, call her. Use Steve's phone.
Sure. Use Steve's phone, wake Steve up,
let Steve take the message.
Well, the Steve stops here, and my phone is off-limits.
Give mom a hug for me.
Oh, God. What have I done?
Get out the Sitz bath, kids. Grandma's coming.
Look, Peg,
go down to the phone booth.
catch the woman before she gets
to the bottom of the driveway,
because once she's in motion,
you can't stop her.
Okay, Al,
but only on one condition--
that you pay that phone bill.
Done. You win. But hurry.
Was that a tremor?
Oh, God. She must be changing bras.
Hurry!
Yeah, Dad. Mom got here safe and sound.
Mom, you want to say hi to Dad?
[SNORING]
She says she loves you.
Yeah, I talked her into staying an extra week.
Al? Well, he was a little upset
that we couldn't stop her before she'd left,
but he did win one victory.
He got them to move that streetlight,
so I'm sure he's happy about that.
[By RaceMan, for www.forom.com]